Beijing Baba

Are We There Yet, Dad?

beijingkids — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:00:00 +0800

How expat life made our kids great travelers

My kids trudged through the passport control line sleepily but without whining or stumbling, and I realized I was giving myself way too much credit.

I sat in the dark room, rubbed my eyes and tried to psyche myself up for the monumental task in front of me. It was 12.30 at night and I was in New Dehli, propped up in the guest bed of dear friends who had recently relocated from Beijing.

My kids were sleeping all around me but in 15 minutes I would be rousing them and carrying them to a waiting car to drive to the airport and board a plane with the ridiculous departure time of 3.15am. And I would be doing it on my own, as my wife was staying in India for a few more days.

History Comes Full Circle

beijingkids — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0800

Daniel and his great-grandfather

Even before I got engaged to my now wife Su, I had heard horrible things about how much Chinese families “welcome” laowai interlopers to steal their daughters. Luckily, in my case, I found this to not to be true. Not only that, but I also soon discovered that there was actually a cosmopolitan streak in her family: my wife Su’s granddad (Laoye) came from a cosmopolitan upbringing in pre-war Shanghai. Moreover, back in the days when ganbei was about the only word of Chinese I knew, it was an unlooked-for blessing to find that I could even communicate with him directly – after a fashion, at least. Laoye spoke French, a language I used to mangle at school.

Changing Tides

beijingkids — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:00:00 +0800

The ebb and flow of expat friendships

This June, each of my three kids is waving goodbye to at least one of their best pals

When we were deciding whether or not to move to China from New Jersey, the requested three-year commitment was the last great hurdle to clear. It just seemed like such a long time to agree to be away from home. That was a little more than three years ago. As the time to make a final decision about extending our stay drew close last winter, it was painfully obvious that those three years which once loomed so large weren’t nearly long enough. We signed on for another year.

Had we stuck to our original plan, we’d be packing up to head home to the U.S. right now. We clearly weren’t ready to make that move – it was an easy decision that I haven’t looked back on. It became clear, however, that when moving trucks started filling the lanes of our villa compound once again, our neighbors who had also faced the same decision had decided otherwise.

Burning the Baby Fat

beijingkids — Mon, 12 May 2008 12:24:55 +0800

No pain, no gain

The verse for this month’s lesson on daddy-ing dilemmas comes from chapter one, page one of the quaintly named “The Pre-school Book.” Written by Brenda Thompson and published in the year of my birth (1976), this bible of parenting wisdom is getting to be a little more faded and smelling a little mustier these days.

Despite its age, however, it remains a timelessly trendy guide to how parents should bring up their kids. What’s more, as one of my mum and dad’s parenting manuals, it is now a family heirloom. Thompson offers educated advice that is guaranteed to warm the staunchest of liberal hearts – “encouragement” and “help” feature prominently.

One quote in particular has been playing on my mind as I have been reflecting on my latest adventures in fatherland: “You needn’t be disappointed if your child is late developing a certain skill,” says Thompson. “Children develop their abilities in different orders and at different rates.”

Homeward Bound

beijingkids — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 16:53:47 +0800

But which way is “home”? With each visit back to the States, it is becoming more and more difficult for my kids to accept the fact that they live in China and won’t be moving back anytime soon. During our first two years here, it wasn’t an issue – we had nice, extended visits back to the US and were able to return, drama-free. It never really occurred to me that this would suddenly shift. But coming back last summer proved tough on them, and our most recent trip last December only served to reinforce their feelings. It is, I suppose, our new paradigm.

Last August, it was immediately after my nephew’s bar mitzvah that we left, and with all the families still gathered together, my kids really wanted to stay. For the first time, Jacob cried the night before our departure. His slightly older cousins Sarah and Emma tried to comfort him with reassuring words and encouragement about his present life. It was very sweet.

“It’s so cool you live in China.”

Thinking Ahead

beijingkids — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 10:00:00 +0800

Planning our baby’s future

It might seem a bit premature to be worrying already about my son Daniel’s education. After all, he’s only 8 months old – there’s plenty of time yet to save our pennies for his formal education. But they say education begins at home, and as a headmaster’s son with memories of extra homework during the school holidays, I know it to be true. What happens, though, when home is multi-cultural?

I’m fortunate that my wife and I seem to be on the same page: I was subjected to intense competition and my wife suffered spoon-fed rote learning, so we both want to avoid our son being pushed in the same way. And if Su and I share many of the same ideas about how to bring up our child, we also share many of the same worries. Chief amongst these is the difficulty of bringing up an independent-spirited, unpampered child in Beijing around his extended family. Loving as they are, some of Dan’s relatives have a tendency to mollycoddle. Okay, I know he’s only a baby and babies are meant to be coddled, but how many people does it take to change a nappy? Two, it seems: one to do the actual changing, and another to hold baby’s hand lest he utter the merest whimper, offering comforting words like “There, there, it’ll all be over soon.” I admit that at this stage it almost certainly doesn’t matter. But as parents, we worry about what will happen later on, and I am inclined to believe it may be kinder to be cruel.

Immersion By Degrees

beijingkids — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:18:27 +0800

When we were looking into moving to Beijing almost three years ago, it never occurred to me to search out a school beyond the main international options. As a newbie expat, I didn’t really even know there were other choices, and we gladly signed up at the school where colleagues sent their kids.

I don’t have any major regrets and I’m glad that we ended up in a British school rather than a more American institution, because at least my kids know they are somewhere distinctly different from New Jersey. But I cringe whenever I hear my kids speak Chinese - or more to the point, not speak Chinese. Their lack of language skills is really a sore spot for me.

The Amazing Ayi

beijingkids — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 15:16:36 +0800

Not quite family, but close enough

After trying to explain the word ayi on the phone to my mum, I’ve concluded that it just doesn’t translate. “Child-minder” is too officious, though Zhao Ayi does look after our baby. “Maid” just brings to mind characters from old comedies on TV that poked fun at class distinctions. “Au pair” perhaps? Or “nanny”? For middle-class Englishmen such as myself, such luxuries simply do not exist. An ayi is, well, an ayi, and somehow seems a warmer word than anything we have in English – it is, after all, often translated as “auntie.” So I’ve given up trying to translate it, and now Mum has learned a new Chinese word to add to her wei and ni hao.

Lifestyles of the Young and Blasé

beijingkids — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 19:27:19 +0800

Beijing today, but what next?

Four-year-old Anna is crammed into the back seat of a cab next to her two older brothers and myself. “This. Is. Boring!” she screams, and to make sure I get her point, she leaps into the air and lands hard on my lap. Apparently, cruising through Shanghai’s fetching French concession is not enough stimulation for my pint-sized adrenaline junkie.

Her mom (my wife) hears the outburst from the passenger seat and looks back to reciprocate my glance. After two and a half years in China, we are still far from jaded with our surroundings, and it would be near impossible for either of us to combine the words “Shanghai,” “French concession” and “boring” in a meaningful sentence.

But this life is normal for our kids: Beijing is where they live, and Shanghai is just another place to visit. Their expectations are often quite high, due to a lifestyle a far cry from my own upbringing in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or Rebecca’s in Bay City, Michigan.

Meeting Granddad

beijingkids — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 20:13:41 +0800

Four generations, three countries, two continents, one family

Before we had children, I might have thought of the following as drawbacks to living in Beijing in an international marriage with a Chinese girl: being mutually incomprehensible in an argument, never being able to win an argument, protracted lunches with the extended family on frequent feast days, not being able to have Sunday lunch with the European relatives, and being bankrupted by the cost of sharing Christmas dinner and a pint with the folks back home. For sentimental reasons, living half a world away from my son's Anglo-Saxon grandparents now tops the list, while practical reasons place the cost of bridging the distance to our far-flung family at second.

With that said, we don't regret a penny spent taking Daniel to see the big-nosed branch of the family in Europe this summer. Though the month-long family reunion may, perhaps, have been a bit extravagant, it yielded many priceless moments. One of the highlights was introducing Daniel to my irrepressible granddad, who, at 94, is one of the sprightliest among those in the retirement community in London where he lives. The old fella was so excited, in fact, that as soon as he clapped eyes on Daniel he rushed next door, returning moments later to wheel his neighbor in for a viewing session ñ after all, it's not only the Chinese elderly who like to show off their newest family members.